There is a famous quote attributed to Albert Einstein: “Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” Or as Alfred Hitchcock’s Vertigo illustrates with its circular score and theme (yep, I read the back of the dvd case), neurotic obsession is characterized by repetition, circling around to the same point in an endless loop.
So, without further ado, I present this week’s panicked email. It started with a gchat conversation I have edited down. The original lasted for over 2 hours as I watched episode after episode of Felicity (I’m now on Season 3) and my friend worked for a living (apparently something people do). It ended with an email the next morning. Notice the repetition, the circularity, the neurotic obsession. I’m pleading insanity.
me: I want to date a hunky rock climber who is emotionally distant like Ben from Felicity
also I want a perm
Friend: DONT get a perm
jesus
me: I think I’d look good with a perm
Friend: says no one ever
me: I hate my big curls. I want little felicity ones
Friend: no perms, stop!
me: im getting a perm
ive decided
Friend: no perm
me: I think today was the worst day of my life
Friend: WHAT
why???
me: and that thought in and of itself is depressing, because it was so lame.
I had a nervous breakdown re: unemployment
and sat in my pjs watching felicity episodes
Friend: I’ll probably do that tonight
me: Oh man i just read the series ending
i need a perm
Friend: stop it
me: noooo
Friend: if u get a perm, we can’t be friends
me: this is happening
Friend: I double-dog dare you
me: done and done
Friend: do it
me: I’m going to get it done at a salon
no self perms
Friend: go
me: ill send you a pic!
Friend: You’ll be the felicity of London
me: but i need to be a skeleton with a head
like felicity
now im just fast forwarding to the exciting parts of the episodes
I want a ben covington!
Friend: ben covingtons are superficial and stupid
JK
i dont know anything about ben covingtons
me: they can be
but i love them anyway
12 Hours pass:
Subject: i want
————————
me:
to be as skinny as Felicity.
is that possible?
———-
Friend:
Only felicity can be as skinny as felicity.
Sent from my iPhone
———-
me:
I will do it! I just need to lose fortyish pounds
aint no thing.
ALSO I’m done with the show. I made it towards the end of Season 3 but have officially quit.
ALSO no one has ever loved me (outside of my family obviously). Why don’t boys love me like they love felicity?? What’s wrong with me? Is it because I’m not a skeleton? Or is it my personality? 😦
———-
Friend:
Simmer down! I love you!
It’s also not your personality. I’ve come to realize lately that intimidation is a huge barrier for guys and they’ll just go for girls who they think are beneath them or are too stupid and who they feel they can take advantage of. Or you’ll get guys who are needy and need a strong woman to take care of them and do everything for them and/or are too stupid to be intimidated.
It’s a tough world for broads like us, sister.
Sent from my iPhone
———-
me:
Ohhh man that dichotomy is so on point but so not promising. When we’re fifty and single can we be cougars together?
———-
Friend:
YES! Also where is your perm, miss…?
Noel is so much better than Ben!! He’s trying so hard!! CHOCOLATE! IT’S SO IMPORTANT!!
———-
Me:
Haha BEN WINS AT LIFE. Just you wait. He’s so endearingly misguided (or is my problem in life that I’m attracted by Bens and turned off by Noels)?
Have yet to get the perm. But I think it’s the answer to everything.
anti.hero.ine 